Boom, Bitch, Byeee! Books Amy Didn’t Finish, As Reviewed By Titus Andromedon

Ugh, reading, amirite? Sooo much effort, and so little attention on me! Where it should be!

Kimmy keeps telling me I should “improve” myself, or whatever, so I *have* been reading, believe it or not. These books, though, ugh. I just could NOT with them. I may or may not have told Kimmy I finished them, though, so don’t tell.

Freebird, Jon Raymond

I got this book as an Advanced Reader’s Copy, y’all, which must mean I’m super special. Cuz I am! So I was actually excited to read it. I was promised municipal intrigue and Nazi gold and I got it, except there was so. much. discussion. about gross stuff like farts and bookers. Like, seriously. Way more talk about farts and boogers than adults should ever do. And at first I was all like:

And then he DID tell me more, and it was still gross, so I was like:

So, whatever. NEXT.

Masters of Empire, Michael McDonnell

Okay, so, I will fully acknowledge that I am not a Master of History, or whatever, so probably this book is amazing. Indians were not victims of the white guys’ encroachment on the Great Lakes region in the heyday of the pelt trade, but they actually played the white guys? Uh, yeah, I’m into it. But it had so much information that every time I tried to pick it up, my brain was all like:


So. Moving on!

My Brilliant Friend, Elena Ferrante

Apparently people love this book, and feminists especially. I don’t get it. Like, at all. I’m just reading it and I’m like:


Whatever. Next!

Strangers In Their Own Land, Arlie Hochschild

I actually really tried to read this one. That fooping doofus can’t be our president (ugh) for no reason. Maybe these white people can explain it to me. But no, they can’t. And I am not their confessor; they can take their white nonsense elsewhere. Besides:

Normal, Graeme Cameron

I started reading this book not knowing what it was about. And then the guy started killing people, and I was all like, mmmkkkkayyyy….

and it never got less weird. So I quit.

Deaths of Tao, Wesley Chu

In this book, aliens invade the bodies of politicians and fancy corporate people and invent global warming to destroy planet earth for human life and turn it into an environment that is safe for their weird alien non-bodies. Which is, frankly, the best explanation I’ve ever heard for global warming.

A Trick of Light, Karen Blomain

A white lady’s nice white husband has a heart attack on top of her while they are having nice white people sex in their white rural palace home, so she goes on a road trip to see all the white people places he loved to visit without her and accidentally discovers this other white lady he had a family with a couple states over. I don’t know what happened after that, because this is some white nonsense.

Eileen, Ottessa Moshfegh

This book is supposed to be about the boys at this scary retro school/prison for troubled boys in the ’70s, or something, but Eileen spends all her time talking about herself. Like, nah, I wanted to blow that kiss to me.

The Story Of A Brief Marriage, Anuk Arudpragasam

The boy in this story is in a war and helps with a smaller boy whose legs and arms have all been blasted off, and at some point a girl’s dad sort of forces him to marry her because he thinks he’ll be dead soon and won’t be able to protect her, so he does marry her, and I assume they all die after that because of the title of the book but I did read that far because oh my god this is so sad and I hope they’re all happy in heaven or wherever people from Sri Lanka go when they die.

That’s it. So, to all these books, I say so long and:

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